To all of our NSHL members who realized Confederation Bridge was completed in 1997 and who have not been commuting to Cape Jourmain NB from PEI by canoe (and Scotty Blacqueire)

And then there were two. Hurricanes VS Reefs.
Never has an NSHL season been impacted by the injury bug like 2012-13.

First it was the ageless Captain Kinsale’s 40+ back finally succumbing to numerous attempts to kite surf over both the inbound and outbound P.I. bridges.

Then it was Kinsale’s franchise player, The Kenora King, trying to juggle multiple Angle Grinders for Le Cirque De Blair (Angle Grinders on sale this week at AID, autographed by John Kinger).

Late in the season both the Sharks and the Reefs were hampered by injuries to PM Sequin’s groin and Shoes That Shine McKenzie’s wrist. While most assumed these injuries were hockey related, Punch Sports Reporter Toniquelafrique Rolle suggested in an editorial that these injuries may have coincided with the HD launch at youporn.com

First round of the playoffs have seen continued traffic to the infirmary. John The Franchise Kinger was once again shelved after an altercation with Thomas The F Bomb Bethel. While T Bethel had been leading in all the Lady Byng Conch Trophy chatter, his altercation with K. Kenora may have dampened his aspirations of winning The Most Sportsmanlike Conch.

Further, both the Reefs and Sharks were impacted in their first round by very weak ankles.
I am so tired of getting emails with photos of blue, green, black, brown, swollen Swiss ankles.
What’s the deal guys? Was there a shortage of calcium products in Zurich and Geneva when you were being weaned, I mean WTF, how many Swiss guys can blow out both ankles in ONE season?
Is it the chocolate; is neutrality bad for ankle longevity? Holy Crap, I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s contagious; I turned over on my right ankle today picking up my 3 for 5 for the commute home from work. Make it stop. And get a @#!$%! pedicure if you’re going to be emailing me pictures of your pale, battered, bruised, Swiss foot. Have you people no Broughtupsy???? Man, we should have let more Haitians play. You Swiss, I just don’t know.

Love,
Dr. Gerald Kanuka’s favorite patient

17-04-13
9:43:am

To All Fellow NSHL Members that did not have to be physically removed from a Nevada Burlesque Establishment in February (and Scotty Blacquiere),
My oh my, how fortunes can change quickly in the ultra-competitive NSHL.

It was only a few weeks ago that Hurricane fans were lamenting a hard luck season with injuries to franchise players Captain Kinsale and Evil Knievil Kinger. The Canes are back with a vengeance. The team has returned to full health as Jason has traded his Kite Surf Board in full time for a KOHO Composite and John spends his non game days in a room with rubber walls. Feeling less threatened by John’s power tool prowess, residents of Blair have slowly trickled back to their evacuated homes.
While the Canes now look indestructible, the Reefs have spiraled losing four games in row. When asked what was wrong with the team, Reef super fan Steven Leida summed up their problems, “Frank went to Brazil and Aaron’s constipated.”

The Sharks continue their steady play and are now tied with The Pirates who have stumbled somewhat. There has been speculation that stalwart goalie Bryn “Padre” MacPhail has been distracted of late with the recent vacancy created in The Vatican. Pirate Leadership has reminded MacPhail that he must honor his existing contract and that any contact between Vatican City and his agent (Benny Hinn) regarding the vacant Papal role would be considered tampering.

With the Sharks steady play; perhaps it’s appropriate in our weekly player profile to honor the career of Sharks goalie Marc Hewison. At age 78 this veteran NSHL goaltender appears to be getting better with every game.

After his family’s steamboat went down in a terrible storm in the Hecate Straight, Hewison was rescued and raised by the Haida Gwaii people of the Queen Charlotte Islands. While Marc was treated as one of their own as a child, it was clear his features and temperament were unique to their community as indicated in his given Haida name (“Head And Pubic Hair On Fire”).

It would come as no surprise to any of us that Hewi rebelled somewhat in his teenage years and he sailed south to Hornby Island to live and work on a mushroom and herbal medicine communal farm. It was here that Marc first learned his love for hockey. What was unique to The Hornby Island Minor Hockey Association was their use of the backward curve (right hand players with left curves, left hand players with right curves), which is believed to have originated from a shroomed out Hornby Island coaching workshop.

While Hewi is known for his fiery style of protecting his crease, along with goaltending tough guy legends Ron Hextall, Billy Smith and Clint Thompson, he is really better known for revolutionizing goaltending with his backwards curve. You see, although Hewi plays goal from the left side, his stick is curved for playing from the right side, or seemingly backwards while he is in goal.

The advantage/disadvantage of Hewi’s backwards curve has long been debated around NSHL circles. Most old school Physicists like 1994 Nobel Peace Prize winner Bertram Brockhouse have argued that Hewi’s curve should deflect more pucks into his net, while more progressive Creationist physicists, like Dr. Myles Munroe (PHD - Fire & Brimstone Physics, COB) argue that Hewi’s faith in his backwards blade deflects the puck of Lucifer away from his Net Temple.

There is no question Hewi’s backward curve has changed the way goalies play the game. You see many goalies using it now. For instance many star NHL and NSHL Goalies like…..
……uh….
………well……
…… many up and coming goalie prospects like……
……like…………
..OK IT’S REALLY NEW!!!!!...OK!!!!……. AND…..AND…. REALLY GROUDBREAKING OK!!!!!!!!!!
AND….
AND…. #$%& YOU WHEATIE!!!!!!

27-02-13
7:02:am

Dear fellow NSHL members whose ancestors discarded their tails during Evolution (and Scotty Blaqueire),

It has been a hard luck season to date for the defending Stanley Conch Champion Hurricanes. The Canes began their season without their organization’s President and General Manager. They were also missing their coach, assistant coach, their strength and conditioning instructor, their goalie coach, physician, team sports psychologist and Captain. Now while all of these titles and positions are held by Jason Kinsale, there was just no way the defending champs could get off to a decent start with such a hole in their lineup (and front office).

Although The Canes got off to a dreadful start, they were very encouraged by the early bounce back campaign of veteran John Kinger. The Kenora King got off to a blazing start tallying 19 goals and 1 assist in his first 5 games.

The Hurricanes misfortune continued, however, when Kinger suffered an off ice injury at his residence last week.

For Kinger the past year has also been one of hard luck, full of freak injuries. Seems it all started shortly after Kinger joined the Cirque Du Blair in late 2011.

You will recall that Kinger’s 2011-12 campaign ended when he suffered multiple fractures during his first stunt with the Circus. In attempting to jump six #10 jitneys at Arawak Cay the daredevil crashed his scooter into a long time Fish Fry landmark, causing severe damage to both himself and Goldie’s Golden Grill Smile.

But The Show must go on.

While practicing at home for his second Circus act last week, Kinger suffered a deep laceration to his left hand attempting to juggle two Makita angle grinders, a power drill and a circular saw.
When informed of the latest mishap, an angry Captain Kinsale called a time out and took immediate action. Jason impounded Kinger’s scooter in the Hurricanes equipment storage facility. Kinsale informed Kinger’s agent (Stephen Leida) that John is not to operate any heavy machinery, any light machinery, no electric tools, no acoustic tools, no shaving utensils, he is not to play the Wii, and he is to dine only with a spoon. Jason has directed Annie to have a Kinger proof gate installed around the pool to prevent John from falling in. Annie has given Vic their new grill and all of John’s firearms are being stored at the Brennick Armory.

Further, PETA has informed Annie that John is to maintain a 10 foot radius distance away from the family chicken coup in the southwest corner of their property. Seven of John’s nine potcakes have been seized by The Bahamas Humane society. A neighborhood Kinger watch has been established along Kemp Road. Kenora has been evacuated.

When Punch Sports Reporter Toniquelafrique Rolle asked NSHL Elder Statesman Gerald Kanuka for his perspective on the Canes & Kinger situation he claimed, “I don’t recall a hockey team facing this much adversity since Montreal fans rioted after the Maurice Richard suspension in 1955.”

“I was only 35 at the time but I remember it well.”
Get better soon John.
Again.

16-01-13
7:08:am

Season’s Greetings to all My Loving Family, close Friends, Distinguished NSHL Members, The Pirates, and Scotty Blacqueire,

We end our year with some reflections, a couple of disappointments, and hopefully some items to build on from the year end NSHL momentum going into 2013

My big disappointments of 2012 came late in the year when I missed Gerry The Elder Statesman Kanuka’s 80th birthday party (I was off island speaking at a Benny Hinn Revival in Tallahassee) and Brian Simm’s 75th birthday, completely misunderstanding the in-office memo where a tux was NOT necessary.

TMZ claimed,”not attending the Simms party was the equivalent of declining an MP invitation to run a “web café” in the Bamboo Town constituency.”

But really, in my pre-Christmas intoxicated bliss, I decided to crash the Sims 007 party…..so……ok …..ok….so…. I am on my way to the event, and I am stopped at the gates of St Pet…..I mean the gates of Hel….I mean the gates of Purg…..I mean…. Lyford Cay.

I am pretty jived up about getting to the party until I reach the security gate, “Good evening Sir”, I say to the guard.

“Good night Sir, you straight?” he replies

“Uh…..yes sir…I am straight, ….I generally prefer women…. but the NSHL is an inclusive league you know….we don’t discriminate…..uh…..we even let Americans play.”

Perplexed the guard asks, “Sir you been drinking?”

“Well, not much Sir, but like many on the island, I enjoyed my 3 for 5 Happy Hour on the drive out here.”

“Who you be visiting?”

“Big Man, I’m on my way to THE Brian Simms 007 75th Birthday Party.”

Guard states firmly, “Sorry Bossman, you ain’ dressed biggity enough for da party.”

I’m like, “we’re supposed to be in Black, I’m wearing black, what’s the problem?!”

Guard says, “Man say Tux or Black Tie ONLER”

Somewhat confused …, “Come again?”

Guard says, “BOSSMAN say Tux or black tie ONLER!”

Winking smartly at the guard and showing two $1 Pingdom bills I ask, “Sir, do you have an ONLER I can rent?”

He returns, ”TUX OR BLACK TIE ONLER WHITE BOY, NOW WHY U’s ONLER WEARIN’ A DEAD KENNEDY’S 1979 TOUR SHIRT WIT NO PANT?!?!? D’IS LI FAD KEEY??”

He continues……“MAN YOU NAT even got gitch over your pale bungie BEY, all yo junk hangin’ out MUDDASIC CHIL’ YOU NO BROUGHTUPSY!!!

I try to regroup politely,

“Look Sir, I just spent the last 5 days in a suite at The One & Only with Lindsey Lohan, Tarran, Robert Downy Jr., Manny from U…uh..Charlie Sheen, and Brennick …….sharing a few hundred caipirinhas, a powerful vaporizer, a suitcase of Percocet’s and eight boxes of fireworks ……I mean SIR… what would you expect me to be wearing?”

Guard replies,“ I’m calling Immigation” - (yes, Immy--gey-shun)

He yells “DEY N DA HOLER SPIRIT WILL FIX U FA TRUE!!”

Increasingly frustrated I protest innocence in my best Thomas Bethel voice (after being wrongly convicted of butt ending).

“I’s A PERMANENT RESIDENT, I’m calling Immigation, give me your badge number…….NEVER MIND I’m GOING HOME!!!!”

I bid the guard a diplomatic adieu, “MERRY Christmas @$$hole,….. I’m taking me and my ONLER friends home….. ….and yes….. MY WIFE IS VERY DISAPPOINTED!!!!”

I just couldn’t get passed The Gate.

Happy Belated 50th Brian!

Love

S. Vicious

#69, Left Wing

Sex Pistols HC, 1978-79

Eastern Conference Quarter Finalists, Division III

06-01-13
12:19:am

To Our multi lingual NSHL members speaking French, English, German, Dutch, Portuguese, Nort Lutra, Texan (and whatever it is Scott Blaquiere speaks), I mean I can’t understand the guy; all I hear are grunts, clicks and whistles.

What always amazes me is how many languages the Swiss guys speak. But I guess if you’re always riding the fence and cannot choose a side; you should speak the languages on both sides of the fence.

But seriously, Swiss Franchise Fabian can even out curse Thomas #$%&ing Potty Mouth Bethel. Fabian comes by it honestly, he acquired all of his English profanity from two Canadians, an ice hockey coach he had from Shawinigan, and Kelly. I learned most of my profanity from retired NSHLer Brian Goudie.
Switching gears, with the world possibly ending this Friday (Bryn to confirm), we may not have enough games left to answer all the questions this exciting new season has raised.

Can Wheatie break the 700 single season goal mark? (699 single season goal mark set by Wheatie in ’11-’12)

Will the Hurricanes win a game?

Can the Reefs beat anyone besides the Hurricanes?

Will John Kinger get another assist?

Will Mrs. Ramaindo unleash The Silent Assassin?

Are the Roy Wallace going to the Hurricanes rumors true?

What is the total number of G. Van Hagan’s offspring?

When will Bahamian Retail Banking come into the 1990s?

If things go south on Friday, will Bryn take us with him? (Hey MacPhail, I mean whose your biggest fan?…….no not Stephen Leida……, c’mon Man seriously I’m like your biggest promoter, your very own Don King. Save me a seat on the bus Padre).

NSHL belated birthday announcements give a special shout out to League Elder Statesmen Gerald Kanuka who turned 80 at the beginning of the month. Kanuka’s still definitely got the magic hands, currently tied for 3rd in NSHL points with some other old plug. Gerry started his NSHL career in 1941 but shortly thereafter had to put his career on hold when he was conscripted into The Manitoba Rifles Infantry Brigade, whom he served with during The Second World War. Since returning to the NSHL in 1945, Gerry has been an Iron Man League franchise player on and off the ice. We expect that Gerry will continue to be one of the top scorers in the league well into his 90s (and/or as long as he continues to staple his league registration form to Wheatie’s).

Best regards,
Will shovel elephant dung for a seat on Bryn’s Arc

19-12-12
6:13:pm

To all my fellow NSHL members who didn’t attend last week’s Annual Christmas Ball for Nassau’s Alternative Lifestyle Community (and Scott Blacquiere),

Last week’s games saw the rebuilt Sharks sneak past the Hurricanes (avec Franchise) in a tightly fought tilt. The Sharks won despite being without Swiss Star Fabian Jenny who was home in Switzerland puck bunnying his favorite locked out NHL players starring for Davos and Zug in the Swiss pro league, strangely enough also called The NSHL (The Neutral Swiss Hockey League). Brian Simms is investigating copyright infringement over the Swiss league using our branding, but since The Bahamas itself does not recognize copyright laws of any kind, I’ve asked him to focus on helping me establish a Flowers and Percy’s Web Café at the SuperValue Plaza in Cable Beach.

Isn’t amazing how many folks in Nassau use web cafes for their Internet requirements? There has to be room for more as there is even one in the Cable Beach Plaza now (although their sign is STILL not complete). I’m sure neither Flowers nor Percy would mind if I use their marketing handles, but just in case they take issue I’ve borrowed six AK-47s, a surface to air rocket launcher, an anti-aircraft missile defense system, 7 members of the Sinaloa Cartel and some IEDs from Brennick’s basement. C’mon, everybody wins.

Last week’s undercard event was between The Pirates and free falling Reefs. This game was also very close until warm up ended. Team Evil got off to a fast start, scoring at .02 seconds, .05 seconds, .12 seconds and .19 seconds into the first period. Goaltending was the only strong point for the Reefs on this night as hot Aaron Way faced 243 shots through only the first two periods. Reef Superfan Stephen Leida praised Way’s play and amazed at the Tenders bravery for not wearing a chest protector. According to Leida, “Way was unbelievable tonight despite not protecting his chest or gut, but he may be questionable for his next start as he has a separated belly button and two dislocated nipples.”

See you tonight!! Everybody Wins (in warm up)!!!
Regards,
Frank’s Hairstylist

06-12-12
8:12:am

To all my fellow NSHL members who didn’t attend last week’s Annual Christmas Ball for Nassau’s Alternative Lifestyle Community (and Scott Blacquiere),

Last week’s games saw the rebuilt Sharks sneak past the Hurricanes (avec Franchise) in a tightly fought tilt. The Sharks won despite being without Swiss Star Fabian Jenny who was home in Switzerland puck bunnying his favorite locked out NHL players starring for Davos and Zug in the Swiss pro league, strangely enough also called The NSHL (The Neutral Swiss Hockey League). Brian Simms is investigating copyright infringement over the Swiss league using our branding, but since The Bahamas itself does not recognize copyright laws of any kind, I’ve asked him to focus on helping me establish a Flowers and Percy’s Web Café at the SuperValue Plaza in Cable Beach.

Isn’t amazing how many folks in Nassau use web cafes for their Internet requirements? There has to be room for more as there is even one in the Cable Beach Plaza now (although their sign is STILL not complete). I’m sure neither Flowers nor Percy would mind if I use their marketing handles, but just in case they take issue I’ve borrowed six AK-47s, a surface to air rocket launcher, an anti-aircraft missile defense system, 7 members of the Sinaloa Cartel and some IEDs from Brennick’s basement. C’mon, everybody wins.

Last week’s undercard event was between The Pirates and free falling Reefs. This game was also very close until warm up ended. Team Evil got off to a fast start, scoring at .02 seconds, .05 seconds, .12 seconds and .19 seconds into the first period. Goaltending was the only strong point for the Reefs on this night as hot Aaron Way faced 243 shots through only the first two periods. Reef Superfan Stephen Leida praised Way’s play and amazed at the Tenders bravery for not wearing a chest protector. According to Leida, “Way was unbelievable tonight despite not protecting his chest or gut, but he may be questionable for his next start as he has a separated belly button and two dislocated nipples.”

See you tonight!! Everybody Wins (in warm up)!!!

Regards,

Frank’s Hairstylist

05-12-12
10:43:pm

Ladies, Gentlemen & Scott Blaquiere,

Another year is well under way with The Bay Street Bullies (Pirates) starting where they left off the past couple of seasons - undefeated with four victories (Wheatie’s got to take vacation sooner or later??). However, the shrewd Vegas Odds Makers still have the winless Hurricanes (0-4) favored 2 to 1 to take the Stanley Conch in 2013.

It’s no secret “The Franchise” is only a game or two from returning to the Cane lineup. It is also rumored that Matteo The Silent Assassin of Lugano could give the Canes a boost when he his granted permission to leave the house again. Officially, Matteo has maintained his neutrality on this subject.

While both items factor in to the odds maker’s numbers, Crystal Palace Hockey Expert (and Reef super fan) Stephen Leida points to the resurgence of The Kenora King as the main reason. According to Leida, “when Kinger’s season ended early last year after he crashed his scooter into Goldie’s Grill, he committed himself to a busy offseason training with Lance Armstrong’s US Postal Service Cycling team.” This grueling offseason training regimen has rewarded Kinger with an incredibly fast start in the goal column with 14 goals in 4 games (to go along with 2 assists and a new nickname from his Cane team mates – “selfish #$%&ing puck hog”). It has also raised the question within the NSHL Board as to whether the league should mandate testing for blood doping and other banned substances. However, this testing has been put off for a season or two out of fear that more than half the League would receive lifetime suspensions (disclaimer for our FBI, US Customs and US “Coast Guard”(wink wink DEA) NSHL members …the only banned substance we’re talking about of course is Sudafed).

Other notable fast starters have been Chris Wheaton – 4 games, 72 Goals, 8 assists, and 4 Hewi F Bombs. Wheatie’s fast start is attributed to losing 35 pounds this summer when he spent (the entire) July and August trying to find an open restaurant in Andros. NSHL Polls suggest that Wheatie was 75% more popular 35 pounds ago. Dutch Van Hagan is also off to good start leading the league in both assists and offspring.

See you all Wednesday night!
Regards,
Frank’s Caddie

28-11-12
9:05:am

28-11-12
9:02:am

Ladies & Gentlemen, Distinguished Sharks....uh.....I mean Reefs..., Fellow Men (and Scott Blacqueire),

I can`t write or comment on lasts week game as once again The Pirates scheduled me out of it so I will only offer some thoughts going forward to this evening and beyond.

I am very much looking forward to playing with you clowns tonight and this season. Let`s start by congratulating our teams token Yank and FOX News Bahamian correspondent, Chris Brennick, on the re election of the President last night.

One must always be sensitive when discussing politics and religion, so I will certainly maintain that political correctness, and with Brennick being a card carrying member of the NRA, The Tea Party, Founder of the Grover Norquist Fan Club, Treasurer of the Michigan Militia, Member of the Kentucky Chapter of Conservative Wives against Sex, Affection & Love, Majority Shareholder of www.christianmingle.com, and owner to rights of the logo branding `No Slaq For Iraq`, we have a pretty decent idea as to which way Mr. Brennick may have cast his ballot last evening.

So being sensitive to Chris`s feelings we will by no means gloat over President Obama`s overwhelming victory last night.

My only comment to Chris is......

Four More Years!
Four More Years!
Four More Years!
Four More Years!

I think Chris would agree with my prediction that in his second term Obama will finally decriminalize marijuana and bring electricity and running water to Chris Frye`s home state of West Virginia.

Go Shar.....I mean...Go Reefs!!!!!!

Regards,
Assistant AVP to Mr. Goncalves

07-11-12
11:16:am

……and then there were 2

The Stanley Conch Finals are here and the entire island is a buzz with excitement. Windoms, Sunnys and Super Saloons have been seen flying the colors of their favorite NSHL team throughout the streets of Nassau. White and Red for the Hurricanes…. Black, Gold, and Purple for the Pirates…….I think……my eyes are getting bad so I am assuming this is what the flags are for……Junkanoo is long over so the flags must for The Stanley Conch final and not for the Valley Boys or Saxons.
This exciting time of year always brings its share of controversy, natural for leagues that generate as much hyperbole as NFL, Champions League, NSHL, etc.

Most controversy this year has surrounded……wait for it……. the playing status of long time league veteran Clint Johnson, a valuable team asset for his versatility in three positions; goaltending, defense, and darts.

Johnson went from the Hurricanes to the Pirates in a late season waiver wire deal fraught with debate over its legality. It is suspected the Hurricanes were behind the latest questioning of Johnson`s legitimacy of work permit status with the Pirates when long time PLP politician Bradley Roberts called on Immigration to `apprehend this illegal expat who is obviously taking another Bahamian job.` When Roberts was informed that Johnson was actually a Bahamian born citizen whose family had been in The Bahamas longer than the Grouper, Roberts accused Johnson of being `a corrupt FNMer whose party is singlehandedly to blame for the US subprime mortgage crisis, the fall of the Euro, global warming and for blocking go fast boats from getting their product out of North Andros.` Johnson`s playing status for the finals remains in question.

The first round saw two hard fought series wrap up Monday night. The exciting rebuilt Reefs of 2011-12 took the favorite Hurricanes to the max, losing 2 games to 1. The series was close and could have easily gone the other way had Reefs not lost franchise player and local daredevil `Evel` John `Kinievil` Kinger one weekend before the 1st round began.

In trying to complete what no other Bahamian daredevil has been able to accomplish – jump the length of Arawak Cay on a low speed KIA scooter – Kinger suffered multiple fractures to his legs and hand when his scooter landed short of the mark and crashed into Goldie`s Grill (the kitchen deep fryer… to be clear…..not Goldie`s actual grill). Reef captain Scotty Blaueicqueirue felt he was only a couple vowels short from going to the finals. He pointed to Cane power forward Tarran Taylor (2 winning goals in the series) as being the difference, `we just didn`t have an answer for Taylor, he is a super pest, he gave our goalies fits and was in their kitchen all three games.` Taylor`s playoff success is reminiscent of legend Claude Lemieux in his playoff prime.

The other series saw The Pirates get the broom out to sweep the Stanley Conch Champion Sharks. The shorthanded Sharks were no match for a strong Pirate side that features league standouts, Chris '>Darth Vader'> Wheaton and Gerry '>The Atomic Blow Dryer'> Kanuka. Shortly after game two the Sharks captain was asked to comment….. but could not be found……so Punch Sports tried to get a comment from assistant captain John Jimmy Chouzouris and……he was not available for comment……so we asked Shark Superfan Stephen Leida for his feelings on the series. Leida could only summarize the Sharks season with a teary, '>when you'>ve known Jack Daniels as long as I have you can call him John.'>

Best of luck to The Hurricanes and The Pirates in the 2012 Stanley Conch Final and to a speedy recovery for Kinger.

Sincerely,
B. Rawlinson, VP of Logistics, North Andros Exports & Pharmaceuticals

21-03-12
3:07:pm

To my fellow Shark teammates who have put off NSHL retirement for another year (and Dimitri),

Late game tonight Guys against the Bay Street Bullies (Pirates)

Mired in 4th place, scores of frustrated Shark fans (Stephen Leida) voiced their frustration with Sharks coach/captain at the end of last week`s one sided loss to the Hurricanes, chanting, `FI RE MC KENZIE!!!!!!......FI RE ........MC KENZIE!!!!!!!!!`

The Punch`s Sports beat reporter Toniquelafrique Roker claims an unidentified source within the Sharks organization says the coach`s days are numbered and that he has lost the dressing room. `The players have tuned him out, they are no longer buying what he is selling, in fact, I don`t think they ever did`, said the source who did not want to be named (Matteo Raimondo).

Following yesterday`s practise (an intense no pucks bag skate practice by the Sharks coach), a number of Sharks players voiced their displeasure.

Winger Tom Koshelowsky who was recently called out by the Sharks coach for `not showing up to play every game`, tried to be diplomatic in his comments but there was a hint of underlying frustration, `the #$%&ing lines are all #$%&`d up, the coach is a #$%&ing idiot, we`re going !#$%ing nowhere this year, it`s a %&#$ing joke, why does the beer girl serve #$%&ing Sands, it`s just a #$%&ing disgrace.

Jimmy James John Chouzouris was less cordial towards the Sharks coach when he described the quality of yesterday`s practise as, `on par with BTC`s cellular network.....coach is a total dead zone`

Sharks coach also received the dreaded vote of confidence from Shark GM and majority owner Marc Hewison, a kiss of death in the hockey world. According to Hewison, ` we`re not going to make a coaching change before the end of the regular season......but regarding a change before the playoffs, I`m not willing to comment on that at this time.` Later that day, it was rumoured the coach had his Cable Beach townhouse up for sale and was looking to downsize to a one bedroom condo at Kemp & Wulf Rds.

To further stake the cards against Sharks coach, he felt the wrath of Grapes during Coach`s Corner on Hockey Night in Canada this past Saturday.

Don Cherry loudly chastized the Sharks coach for not having enough players from Ontario on the team. Cherry - `HOW DOES THAT $%&HOLE THINK HE CAN WIN WITHOUT ANY GOOD OLE ONTARIO BOYS!!! THEY DIDN`T DRAFT ONE PLAYER FROM ONTARIO...OH BOY DON`T GET ME STARTED ON THAT ONE...BUT IF YOU`RE FROM SWITZERLAND, BC, A KITE SURFER, MONTREAL OR ILLINOIS YOU CAN PLAY FOR THE SHARKS... BUT OH NO, CAN`T HAVE ANYONE FROM ONTARIO!!!`

When sidekick announcer Ron MacLean pointed out that bruising defenseman Roy Wallace did indeed hail from Scarborough Ont, it did not faze Cherry who answered,
`OH BULL$&!#, THAT DOESN`T COUNT, ALL THAT GUY CARES ABOUT IS PING PONG......WHY DOES HE HAVE ALL THESE GUYS FROM SWITZERLAND ON HIS TEAM, YOU CAN`T WIN THAT WAY............WHERE THE HELL IS SWITZERLAND ANYHOW?!?!?`

MacLean: Don it`s in.....uh.....well.....it`s ....east of Kingston

Cherry: YOU MEAN IT`S IN GOD#$%& QUA BEC?!?!?!....YOU CANT WIN WIT DEM VISOR WEARING GUYS FROM QUA BEC!!!!!

MacLean: No Don it`s not in Quebec, it`s in...it`s well.....it`s....it`s..... just east of Brockville

Cherry: IN ONTARIO?

MacLean: Yeah ...sure

Cherry: WELL OK THEN BUT IT SOUNDS PRETTY FAR EAST AND I DON`T LIKE IT.........NEVER MIND THEN............Let`s move on to little Timmy who we lost this week.....sniff.....little Timmy was a potcake in Winton with only one leg......sniff......let`s show our viewers a picture of little Timmy..........what a battler he was....sniff.....

See you tonight guys

Regards,

Brad`s Lackey

07-03-12
12:25:pm


Could you Guys also rule on how Scotty B should spell his last name? I spell it wrong every time I type it in. How does a 1/2 newf, 1/2 Grand Manan potato farmer end up with so many vowels in his last name? Can we make an NSHL ruling that any player from PEI (with ears as dirty as his) must be limited to a maximum of 4 vowels in their last name, and a max of 2 vowels appearing in a row? Freakin ridiculous, why have we tolerated this for so long? Where the hell is PEI anyhow? Is it between Whitby and Ajax?

02-03-12
12:53:pm

Tommy K, we could definitely use you on D tonight. Please come out. Confirm what colour shirt you will have on so that we will know who you are

Tonight we should have............

James Chouzouris (formerly of The Central Bank of Greece)
Fabian (VP of Scoring)
Maeirle (as long as his dropsy doesn`t act up)
Hewi (Director of Making Wheatie go apeshit crazy)
Kings Of
Hacksaw Wallace
Eric The Sniper
Matteo (Head of Scouting and HR)
Tommy K (and Svetlana)
Tube8 (#21)

22-02-12
11:27:am

Fellow Lady Byng Candidates (and Dimitri),
Early game tonight Guys, against The Hurricanes.
Unfortunately, Matteo, Dimitri nor I will be at this week`s game. Matteo is in Seattle scouting an Ultimate Frisbee tournament for future NSHL talent. Dimitri has been called up to the Toronto Marlies as a short notice fill in for enforcer Colton Orr (broken hand). I`m working from Jamaica this week.
I`ve always thought I should try the local tobacco here. I`ve heard it smells and tastes a bit like old Number 7 Red, which would certainly take me back to my College Pro painting days in Gravenhurst. Think I`ll light up what the room service guy left me for desert. Awful nice of him.
Hmm, at first scent, it doesn`t smell like Gravenhurst at all. Smells more like Gerry`s workshop
I`m referring to Gerry Lupton of course….senior janitor at Huntsville High School...smoked a lot of Number7
Whoo, I’m feeling a little short of breath……I better take a knee…….holy, my ticker is racing like crazy.... I feel like I was just chasing Mack Van Hagan
Wait, where`s my passport???……….HOLY CRAP I THINK THE ROOM SERVICE GUY TOOK MY PASSPORT!!!!!........gotta call the front desk……I can`t believe that mother took my …….wait….wait…..ok it`s right in my passport holder…….man……that was a scare………WAIT, WHERE`S MY WALLET?!?!?!
Ok….settle down…let`s just lie down, slow this game down a bit and see what`s on TV.
Oh Gawwwd FAMILYYYY GUYYYYYY!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Oh I`m dying, I can`t stop laughing…..talking baby…….AAAHHHHHH I can`t take it…….Brian`s having another martini!!!!!……oh crap I think I just peed a little……breath…breath…. Oh…..opening credits are over, I can`t watch anymore or I`ll have a heart attack.
Oh I`m winded……hmmm……I`m kinda hungry again……….I have no food and my room service dinner is all gone……..OH WAIT…….there`s two small boxes of complimentary Shreddies by the coffee maker…….wow, I never liked Shreddies……. BUT THESE Shreddies ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!.......why don`t I eat Shreddies more often, they don`t need milk, these Shreddies are the bomb……mmmm…..even the crumbs off my chest still taste good….ok I am going to eat Shreddies EVERY DAY NOWWW for the rest of my life
Hmmmm….hmmm…..I wonder if I left the stove on.
What`s on TV?……ok something more serious I`m still feeling really giddy…..ok Schindler`s List, can`t laugh at Schindler`s List …..this will bring me back………..giggle……..hmph……giggle……….Liam Neeson as Oscar Schindler…. oh this is really funny, dark humor…..I didn`t get it the first time………Liam Neeson is HILARIOUS……he should really do more comedy………GIGGLE……. GIGGLE………ok break……good go to commercial………deep breath…….christianmingle.com?!?!?! What the hell is that!?!?!?!? christianmingle.com ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?!?!?!?!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Ahhhh….breath….too funny…christianmingle.com……oh boy…..christianmingle.com ….oh my……hmm….I wonder what`s on Tube8?
(3.5 minutes later)
Ahhh …ok…..hmmmm….I`m freaking hungry………..I have nothing to eat………..wait…….there were two boxes of breakfast cereal by the coffee……..HEY!!!! WHO ATE ALL THE !#$%ING SHREDDIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Luck tomorrow night Boys
Love
Brad`s Pharmacist

08-02-12
12:11:pm

Distinguished Gentlemen & Sharks (and Dimitri),

I`m sorry, I have no material for today`s email. I acknowledge that most or all of you are grateful for this announcement. I had an old buddy in town on business last night and we got ambushed by Bacardi 8.

I wish they wouldn`t put so much rum in Bacardi 8.

I wish Tom Koshelowsky would sell his country home in Laos and move back to Nassau.

I wish Mike Maierle would not take naps after work on Wednesday nights.

I wish Fabian and Emmanual would finally resign from UBS and send their families back home to Zurich/Geneva (respectively) so that they could focus on ball hockey.

I wish Dimitri would cheer for God`s Team and realize the Montreal Canadiens are Satan`s Choice.

I wish Leon would add a keyboard player so that all of his songs wouldn`t sound the same.

I wish Brad would have retired in Little Blair instead of West Gwillimberry.

I wish Hewi was bigger than Wheatie.

I wish Matteo would bring out more kite surfers to play ball hockey.

I wish Nesbitt`s was closed between 3 and 7 so Jeremy would come out to play.

I wish Roy could clear his name.

I wish I could speak one of Luca`s three languages.

I wish for Eric the Cubs could play 500 ball, if only for day games.

I wish my girlfriend wasn`t so mad at me today. I wish Brian would give me 4 million dollars. Just 4 million dollars, it`s not much. Just 4 million dollars. I wish Kelly could have a 2011 Sharks jersey autographed by all the players. I wish The Pirates would finally file Chapter 11 and move the franchise to Rock Sound. I wish Tarran would stop putting greater than and less than signs in my weekly emails. I wish Kenora was no longer a dry municipality. I wish La Cite De Magie offered more than $9 vodka. I wish Victor would visit his family in Kapuskasing every 3rd Wednesday between October and March. I wish John Bethel would stop putting me in a headlock every time I whack Aaron`s pads. I wish I could score on Aaron. I wish Frank would give me his Rolodex. I wish I wasn`t hungover on Game Day. I wish The Leafs will make the playoffs before I die. I wish The Argos would move to Saskatoon. I wish retail banking in Nassau would come into the 90`s. I wish that City Market had milk.

See you tonight, early game.

Love,

I wish Brad was here

01-02-12
12:32:pm

Late Game tonight Guys. Great game last week and week before.

We are playing the Bay Street Bully Pirates tonight.

I am sick to death of the Pirates.

3 out of 4 NSHL players polled last week were sick to death of the Pirates.

The Reverend Bryn McPhail, who rarely uses any kind of profanity (except when we run out of Kalik at 1030pm), was quoted last week as saying, \"The Pirates are going to Hell. In fact, as far as I`m concerned, the Pirates can all go to Hell.\"

Flowers \"Web Cafe\" (\"Everybody Wins!\"......especially if you are a Pirate......and not a Shark, Reef or Hurricane)...has the Pirates at 1500 to 1 odds to beat us tonight. So let`s tell the odds makers pound sand, defy all worldly logic, and defeat the league bandits tonight.

Regards,

Brad'>s Pissed at The Pirates

25-01-12
12:50:pm

Mike Camalleri fans (and Dimitri),

The Fish are hott with a one game winning streak under their belt. We played a hard fought character game last week with only 8 skaters and a hot Hewi, against a feisty and determined rebuilt Reef squad, who now can be seen as a serious contender to make the NSHL playoffs this year.

Up 5-2 going into the 3rd period, the Sharks liked their chances despite fatigue - though Jimmy was hooked up to an oxygen mask and the 4 neutral Swiss Sharks (one French, one German, one Italian, one Yodeler) were seen blood doping under the stands.

But with the rash of penalties called against the Sharks during the 3rd period we began to wonder just how MANY Kaliks had Scotty Blanquiere bought John Bethel in between the 2nd and 3rd period.......we are not suggesting that this happened.....for fear we could be fined for questioning the integrity of the officiating and the League.......but we were just WONDERING how MANY beer were bought for Bethel and the young Republican Senator from Queens NY........as it seemed their vision, judgement and bias MAY have been affected by an over serving of Commonwealth Breweries finest. Again, no accusations.....we were just wondering.

Attending tomorrow night'>s games will be both the Heineken and Kalik calendar girls. During a recent promotional event for their appearance at tomorrow nights games, many of the models were asking....well...actually PLEADING...to get autographs from Mike Maerle and Jeremy Dyke. Apparently these girls are BIG fans of these anchors on the Sharks defence. So Maerle and Jeremy, we REALLY suggest you come out tomorrow night, you guys could have a fantastic evening. Don'>t forget your sticks and skates too. Jeremy, happy hour is post game not pregame.

Tommy K? You there? Tommy, Tommy, Tommy

Tommy, Tommy, Tommy..........Tommy Can You Hear Me? Can you feel me near you? Tommy Can you feel me? Can I help to cheer you? Tommy, Tommy, Tommy........Tommy Can you see me? Can I help to cheer you? Ooooo oooooo Tommy, Tommy, Tommy

See you tomorrow Boys,

Peter Townsend

17-01-12
5:44:pm

Shark Teammates who made both curfew and warm up last week (and Dimitri),

Well that'>s not entirely fair to Dimitri, as Matteo broke curfew last week (again), but he did make warm up. Jimmy missed both. Again.

In 2011 we had an attendance issue. In 2012, it'>s discipline.

I feel like I'>ve lost the dressing room and the axe is about to fall. By February I'>ll be an assistant captain in the kid'>s Saturday afternoon league, or playing basketball for The Johnson Lady Truckers, but I'>m not sure I posses either the physical power or required testosterone to play for that squad. Not that there'>s anything wrong with it....or that. Luckily my grade 10 French could keep me in the running to replace Randy Cunneyworth in Montreal.

After losing a nail biter last week to the Bay Street Bully Pirates (9-2) The 2011 Conch Champs find themselves in a downward spiral, having lost 5 in a row and not having a W since Roy began serving time for battery. We had a great turn out last week and kept it close in the early going (warm up) but we definitely had some issues with chemistry and Holiday rust.

The iron man consecutive game streak now belongs to Emmanuel who has played 2 games in a .......wait........1 game in a row. We really hope he can continue this streak well into 2012 as we could sure use him.

Our D will get a giant shot in the arm tonight with the return of Roy \"The Knife\" Wallace. Big shots in the arm, literally, expect the use of only one limb tomorrow and practise writing with your left hand now.

Let'>s try to have a good warm up tonight Gents (and Jimmy) and let'>s give the resurgent Maple Reefs a run for their money.

Regards,

Wishing Brad was here

11-01-12
2:40:pm

For All of You Who Don'>t Just Go To the Gym for The Free Cable (and Dimitri),

Happy Freaking New Year. EARLY GAME TONIGHT!!!!!!!! Please, please let us know whether or not you can make it.

New Year'>s Predictions

Canada will not win Gold at The World Junior Championship. Russia might.

Roy Wallace will not be suspended in 2012. But he will get a penalty for firing the ball over the far fence from his end.

Tom Koshowlowsky may miss a game or two in 2012 as the first foreigner brought up on charges in Cambodia for conspiring with the former Khmer Rouge regime on Crimes Against Poultry.

The Toronto Maple Leafs will not win the Stanley Cup, nor will they make the playoffs. They will finish 3 points out of 8th spot in the East after a late surge in March and Leaf fans will believe next year is the year.

The Fox Hill Maple Reefs will win The Stanley Conch at 800 to 1 preseason odds in Crystal Palace (I'>ve already placed my wager).

The Montreal Canadians will extend Scott Gomez'>s contract through the 2022 season at 11.75 million per season. Pressure from the Quebec media and parliament for a french speaking Habs coach will eventually lead to Gerard Depardieu taking the reigns behind the Canadiens bench. Although Mr. Depardieu has never heard of Maurice Richard, peace in Quebec parliament will be achieved and the Montreal Theatre scene will get a boost.

Charlie Sheen will return to Two And A Half Men. After spending two weeks in Rio with Fabian, he will be hopitilized and once again kicked off the show. Emmanuel Fiaux will replace Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men. His long illustrious NSHL career may be in question.

Although it is rumoured that the Rawlinson family will return in time for the playoffs, they are only moving across Highway 400 from East Gwillimbury to West Gwillimbury.

The Oscar for Best Actor(s) and Best Supporting Actor(s) will go to.......drum roll please.......those attending the funeral of Kim Jong il in Pyongyang, North Korea.

Kings of Leon will release his 4th studio album in the last 12 months. If you'>re curious as to what it will sound like, listen to the last 6 albums.

Hope to see at least 6 of you (and Hewi) Wed night Jan 4th VS The Bay Street Bullies (Pirates).

Regards,

I feel like Brad sold me a bill of goods on running this franchise and I want my goddamn money back

09-01-12
9:28:am

18 With Choco Blanc



During the Christmas Break and NSHL No Trade or Player Movement Freeze I had the opportunity to play golf with NSHL Legend and league co-founder, Kevin "White Hott Chocolate Rocket" Taylor.

Many of you know Kev as the very versatile Right Wing/Goaltender for the Maple Reefs. Matter of fact, Kev was also the founder and former President of Hockey Operations for the original Maple Reef franchise (prior to the team’s move from South Ocean to Saunders Beach). As the fittest player in NSHL history, he is the only winger that can smoke four Craven A's in between periods and still out skate Mackenzie Van Hagan to the puck shortly thereafter. (Do you think Mackenzie realizes his parents spelled his name wrong?)

After walking away from professional boxing during the twilight of his career (due to multiple concussions….suffered in his last fight), Kevin became a successful film/video and media writer, director, producer and continues to run the business today out of his Taylor MTC Studios (for those of us who have worked in the business we prefer "MTC", or Mature Theme Content). To see some of Kevin's work, you can google Tube8. Don't use your company PC…..it is frowned upon….I hear.

Kevin was born on Parry Island (part of the GPSA or Greater Parry Sound Area). If you don't know where Parry Sound is, it is about 40 miles west of Huntsville, as you all know where that is. Of course, one of Canada's hockey greats hails from Parry Sound, Barry Tabobondung. At an early age, Kevin's family moved south to East Gwillimbury Ontario, a city slightly smaller than Gambier Village and with a much shallower gene pool.

Golfing with Choco Rocket is always a pleasure. His wit and clown golf spikes keep the game loose (he was wearing size 13s on his size 5 feet). Kevin has some game and when he gets in a groove like he did on the front nine last Thursday (38) he can put on a short game and iron clinic. However, if his game starts to head south (like it did on the back nine, 64) he literally starts to alter the landscape of the fairway. But again, because of Kevin's good nature - it isn't like watching an angry, uncomfortable train wreck, but it is a wonderful comedy of hilarious errors.

Like every golf story, you had to be there.

But in the midst of a colossal collapse on the back nine at Cable Beach Abbey (or 2nd 9 around), Kev pulled off one of the greatest golf shots in history. On the 17th neither of us were on the green in regulation. My Top Flight #2 was in the trap to the left of the green and Kevin's #3 Soft Noodle was hanging far to the left……a WAY over across the wrong side of the cart path on the fringe of the 15th green.

A family of blue blood stuffy New Englanders (sorry Brennick) were coming off the 15th but waited quietly behind Kevin as he attempted his approach from their side of the cart path. They did not look impressed. I am not sure if their look of disgust had more to do with the location of Kevin's Noodle or with the state of the Abbey’s greens. Nevertheless the four of them stood quietly a few feet close behind Kevin as he tightened the grip on his shaft to deliver his Noodle towards the right hole.

Do you know that sickly feeling when your Noodle is in an embarrassing place and it turns out people are watching behind you? Well you could see that feeling on Kev's face. With some sympathetic encouragement I said, "Knock it in the hole Kev!", but when he cut his eye sharply at me I shot back, "Don't Embarrass Me Kev!" Unfortunately it was during his short backswing that I uttered those distracting words.

Kevin achieved full wood contact on his Noodle and the ball exploded from the head of his shaft, slamming into the face of the far curb of the cart path and ricocheting backwards like a Farrington Road Glock 9 bullet right back at Kevin and the four Rhode Islanders standing with him. All five hit the deck faster than several Cocktails & Dreams bouncers hearing a '94 Windom backfire. Had they not been paying close attention, Kevin's Noodle could have easily been lost down one of their throats.

I am still pulling sand trap sand out of my hair from rolling around in hysterics for the following several minutes. It was beautiful, right out of Caddyshack. I hadn't laughed like that since watching the funeral of Kim Jong il.

"Nice ball Kev!!"

04-01-12
8:37:am

Ladies & Gentlemen (and Dimitri),

The Sharks officially have an attendance problem.

See, there's this thing called The Internet. I know it hasn't been around for a very long time and you guys are hockey players (aka cement heads), still trying to negotiate your fax machines and 8 track stereos. But if you light up your Commodore 64 (or perhaps your ATARI now has an IP address) and go to www.nassaustreethockeyleague.com you can click under schedule to see when The Sharks play.

There are normally two games a week on Wednesday nights (Wednesday follows Tuesday), an Early Game and a Late Game. The Early Game is played at 730PM before The Late Game. The Late Game is played after the Early Game.

We had 4 FREAKING skaters show up last Wednesday, sorry for cursing. We had to pull Jonesers out of the stands to fill out the roster and now one of the nets are missing. Poor Dimitri and Matteo played on a line with Bob Hope's older brother Theodore.

C'mon guys, you're on a team. It isn't fatherhood or your job, but it is a small commitment. The least you could do is let your team know when you can play and when you cannot. If you are on island, and are not sick or fighting a fire upstairs at La Cite de Magie (sorry for the traumatic memory Jimmy), try to come out. Many of us have to travel for work, and there isn't much we can do about that, but we can let our team know when we are away.

Emmanuel, when can we expect you? Can we expect you? Your NSHL games played to missed ratio is worse than Lindsey Lohan's attendance at community service. Does anyone have an email address or phone number for Eric Flubbergudden? Roy is still serving consecutive life sentences and will be missed on the blue line. Koshelowsky is running for City Council in Manila. Kings Of Leon is working on his 7th album in the last 3 years. Pretty sure it's going to sound EXACTLY like the last 5!!!

Please come out tonight.

Oh....and I won't be there. Again. I am in Trinidad. What am I doing in Trinidad? Well, it all started two weeks ago with Fabian's caipirinhas and the next thing I knew.........................

Regards,

Brad's Proctologist

PS
We have aquired Barrister Brian Simms through a multi player blockbuster trade. Brian is a physical presence, brings a scoring touch from the slot and is a finesse litigator. Try to find Brian a XXX Large Sharks jersey. At 6"10 Brian brings us both size and counsel (for Roy's next sin)

14-12-11
8:41:am

TO ALL OF YOU WHO KNOW BETTER NOT TO LOITER ON NEWARK STREET CORNERS AFTER MIDNIGHT (AND DIMITRI)

Sorry guys, I'm a few hours late and many dollars short.

Great gutsy effort for those of you who made it last week against the Hurricanes. Hewi stood on his head again and the rookie from South Chicago, Eric Flubberdiggin scored the winner in the shootout. It was a beauty goal, backhand to forehand to backhand, back to forehand, through the legs to backhand, roof daddy knocking Bryn's Gatorade bottle into the Texaco parking lot.

Way to go Eric!! Does anyone have an email address for Eric? That is this weeks contest. Find an email address for Mr. Flubberdiggin

The Winner of Last Week's Find Roy Contest???

John Pendlebury

Who is in tonight?????

Best Regards,

Brad's porous replacement on D

01-12-11
7:30:am

Distinguished NSHL members (and Kelly),

A couple of Saturday's ago it dawned on me that I wanted to attend some kind of Remembrance Day Ceremony. No, I wasn't feeling sentimental after my 4th Saturday night Kalik, it was 2pm in the afternoon and I was running errands and stuck in Nassau Saturday traffic.

On my way back west along Shirley Street I noticed on the Marquee at St. Andrew's Church (across from Central Bank) that Reverend Bryn MacPhail would be leading a Sunday Remembrance Day service, so I was sold. Bryn takes some good natured ribbing at the NSHL for being our only Reverend, but as a very welcomed, good natured addition to the NSHL I wanted to see Bryn in action off the ice (since I can't score on him on the ice).

I know it will take some of you by surprise that I had not been to church in some time, but I sometimes go with my parents (when in Huntsville) to The United Church, which is pretty moderate, call it "Anglican Light", it makes my Mother happy. My parents always told me that The United Church was likely closest to Presbyterian, so when I saw that Reverend Bryn was at the Presbyterian St Andrews on Remembrance Day I was anxious to attend.

When I arrived Sunday morning and entered the church I was somewhat concerned that a couple of pews might catch fire or that some poor souls might be collateral damage from a lightening bolt met for me, but none of this took place. But what did take place was a very enjoyable hour with Reverend Bryn MacPhail, leading a very tasteful and moving Remembrance Day service. There was no fire and brimstone, no lectures to the congregation on their lack of financial contribution to the church, but instead an extremely well delivered, positive, articulate sermon with a strong metaphorical message of strength, peace and forgiveness, paying tribute to all those who have served for us. Also, of course, there was Bryn's well placed humour which made it all the more enjoyable

Now I know we all complain that there are just far too many things to do in Nassau on the weekends. But if you can find the time, I strongly recommend you take in one or more of Bryn's Sunday sermons. He will be leading a Thanksgiving sermon this Sunday for the few of you who will be conscious by 10:00 on a Sunday morning.

24-11-11
3:26:pm

To My Unselfish Shark Teammates Who Enjoy Passing The Ball and Who Have Not Had a Hand in the Potential Downfall of the EU (and Dimitri),

We're on a winning streak Sharks, let's keep it up. Granted, it's a one game winning streak but when you're from Toronto, a one game winning streak is huge for a hockey team and you begin to plan Stanley Cup parades whenever the single victory seldom happens.

Now, we have only been able to beat the poor Reefs this year. Hopefully the league decides to extend an olive branch to the Reefs so the team is not simply there to pad Kinsale's and Wheaton's point stats.

We are in tough against the high flying Hurricanes tonight. Their average age is 17 and a half, Captain Kinsale has them doing dry land training 4 times a week, monitors their body fat daily and they have a Tuesday night curfew of 9pm light's out (Jason calls each one of them at 845 and sings them a lullaby). Suffice to say they are very fast. We did OK last year with the Sharks Tuesday night curfew of 2am (Wed morning) but we should probably tighten up on that this year. Particularly since Matteo broke curfew each time, and Captain Brad had to post bail for him twice.

We will be missing Jimmy Chouzouris tonight who is up north meeting with his Defense team in preparation for opening statements in Pennsylvania. However, his replacement tonight will be none other than former NSHL franchise player Sean Shapcott. This Chibougamou Quebec native ripped this league for several years and now plays ball hockey full time professionally in Agincourt Ontario, where he stars on a line with Dim Sum and Ho Lee Chow. He had 9 points against the Pirates Monday night so we will need his quota to be 10 this evening if we are going to beat the Hurricanes.

You're all familiar with Where's Waldo. Well, we can't find Roy, and he lives only 4 doors over from me. Roy would not stand out in a photo filled with the likes of Dave Shultz, Bob Probert, Victor Leniuk, Marty McSorley, Stu Grimson, Dave Brown, Chris Wheaton, and Dave Semenko. So picture Roy in that fun filled family photo and if you can pick him out, circle him with a pen and find me his cell phone number you will be the proud winner of one Kalik Light post game.

See you all this evening.

Regards,

Brad's Brother in Law from Bradford - Earl Earl

(Yes indeed, first name Earl, last name Earl. Bradford's gene pool....somewhat shallow)

23-11-11
11:28:am

From Steve:
Date: Mon, Nov 21, 2011 at 4:53 PM
Jimmy

I have never met a corner I liked and prefer to play in a round rink.

Again, are you playing tonight?

Also, I would recommend that you remove your recent tenure as the Financial Controller for The Central Bank of Greece from your resume / CV

Assuming also that you removed your Assistant Offensive Coordinator gig of Penn State Football program.........

----------------------------------
From Jimmy The Greek:
Mon, Nov 21, 2011 at 4:05 PM
Steve if you spent as much time working in the corners as you do writing these emails we'd be undefeated

----------------------------------

From Steve:
11/21/2011 03:47PM
Ok Ladies

I've heard from Fabian, Coach Brad, Luca and Kings of Leon. I will be there which makes 5. I pretty much smoked Costa Rica out of cigars last week so only 5 players could mean an emergency bypass for myself.

Jimmy Chouzouris, you in? I know you are meeting with your defence counsel in Pennsylvania Wednesday but I thought you were playing tonight

Hewi? We will require a gooolie

Tom? Are you at the baccarat table in Macau?

Matteo? Kite surfing accident? Trying to broker a deal to prevent the Euro from becoming a Peso???

Jeremy? You're not still mad about the house sitting gig falling through are you? Are you still looking for a ride from the airport???

Hacksaw Wallace? Ping Pong elbow?!?!?!

----------------------------------

From Steve:
Monday, November 21, 2011 1:37 PM
To all of my fellow Shark

teammates who have not been questioned or suspected in the Penn State shower scandal (and Dimitri),

We play the 4th place Nassau Reefers tonight Blokes. Please let us know via email if you can make it or not this evening, MONDAY NIGHT MAKE UP GAME.

Let's not be too overconfident as the Reefs have some good new players and the Sharks still seem to be suffering from The Stanley Conch Champion hangover.

Hewi, any chance Brad can make it out tonight? Any chance you can make it for warmup? Tommy K, are you extending your Iron Man consecutive game streak?

Best Regards,
Brad's Ghost Writer

22-11-11
7:14:am

To All Of You Who Have Made a Strong Administrative Contribution to Our Roster This Season (and Dimitri),

2011 Stanley Conch Champs, game two is this evening, EARLY GAME, VS Captain Kinsale's Hurricanes. Please try to be there by or before 710pm (not mentioning any names Marc Hewison).

Please confirm your attendance this evening either way.

We have added some new blood to the roster. Jeremy Dyck joins us as a physical presence on D. Jeremy finished 2nd last season in penalty minutes (712 PIM.....impressive..... Roy was 1st at 950PIM a new NSHL record)

We are sorry to announce the retirement of Brad Rawlinson our fearless Captain from last year's Stanley Conch Champs. Brad was by far the best Defenceman in the league the past few seasons.....and frankly......pretty damn good at operating a generator too. We will definitely miss him on the blue line. Brad's number will be retired in a post game ceremony this evening and will hang from the Palm Tree next to the Brothel (our friendly neighbourhood Copa Cabana bordello).

Brad will later in the month be inducted into The Bahamas Hockey Hall of Fame along with .......uh.....uh.......Jewan Rolle....yeah...that's the guy,...Jewan Rolle....wicked skater. Next week Brad will also be honoured by Doctor Myles Munroe of Bahamas Faith Ministries. Dr. Monroe will be flying Brad and his family in his "Private Jet for Jesus" to a Revival in Bradford Ontario......big Munroe following in York Region. Way to go Brad, we will miss you.

Regards,

The Heir to The Rawlinson Estate

PS
Fabian, I don't have the emails for all the new Neutral Swiss Immigrants that are on our roster. I hope they can control their profanity better than you and Potty Mouth Raimondo. Can you let them know game time and other details....i.e. What is an offside...etc. Please don't forward this email to them or they may put in a call to Sandilands on my behalf.

26-10-11
12:49:pm

The words expressed by Shiny Shoes do not constitute the thoughts, views or Opinions of the NSHL its Administration or its players. if you find offense. please see our lawyer QC Brian Simms